Musing

Decisions

I still haven’t decided if this is for me or the audience, if there’s an audience, sorry. 

The medical standard in my country is utter garbage. I’m not sure if it’s better elsewhere but here I can’t schedule an appointment for Tuesday until the Monday before. Today is Friday but they can’t schedule a mere 96 hours ahead. Even the veterinarian was able to pencil me in for June. My cat and dog have better providers than my children and I do. Seriously? Who plans this nonsense. At least my animals are covered. 

So I may have mentioned we are moving. I cleared book cases from a corner of the front room and replaced them with stacks of boxes. The packed bits are growing and spreading towards the rest of the house. I take down decorations and such as I radiate out from the corner of packed. It’s like watching a timelapse of someone painting a picture in reverse. 3 boxes were packed and a curtain rod came down today. I have so much more house to manage and just over a month. Can you say panic? Also it’s just me. I’m cut out for this work, meticulous, practiced and just ocd enough to almost enjoy boxing up an entire life for 4 people.

So that medical stuff. I almost feel like I should blog it out from the beginning. Again, audience, I’m sorry.

Rough and tumble childhood. Tom boy, fort building, river roaming, tree and rock climbing extraordinaire. A walking talking scraped up bruise. Those were the days! Couple of car accidents (car v. car and car v. bike) later and I make it to my teens in one piece. Huzzah! Que high school. Only I wasn’t like the other kids. Migraines, multiple ovarian cysts and some specialists later we find out I am hyper mobile, suffering whiplash induced migraines, prone to cysts, IBS, atopic dermatitis, follicular eczema, fibromyalgia and prone to joint dislocations. Because teen angst wasn’t already lame.

Fast forward 10 years. Lots of swimming and lifestyle changes later we are down to just hypermobile with the occasional fm flare. 

Fast forward 5 years, welcome to 30s. Fibro flares are never ending, started as an overuse injury, developed into nerve issues, some imaging later they find bone spurs and herniated discs in my c spine. Nerve conduction studies show cubital tunnel syndrome, ulnar nerve entrapment and impingement plus my ulnar and radial nerves merge where theg should veer apart. Woo, neuropathy. 1 failed occipital nerve block and a lot of failed meds later I’ve developed hypersomnia on top of insomnia. I still have the overuse pain. I have nerve pain. My joints are breaking down from the inside out due to instability. My hands and feet swell randomly. I’m presenting with a malar rash and I’ve pursued the advice of numerous specialists. 

Blood work is all normal. No one wants to operate since I respond poorly to external stimuli and have inverse or extreme responses to medication. I’m a walking talking malpractice suit waiting to happen and they know I know. 

I’ve been going to physical therapy for a year and a half now. There’s literally nothing left. 

Yoga, diet, hobbies and caffeine are all that’s keeping me afloat. I’ve noticed a new sort of take on life recently. I’m trying for calm, paced and ready with a kind word for everyone on my path.  I’d like to think I’m pretty damned sage for my relatively short time here. 

Ironically, it’s hardest to turn that keen wit and observation on myself. It’s difficult to be kind and accepting of me. After all, I’m broken and then some. All my wisdom sounds cliche and tired.  My advice is contrived at best. I simply cannot convince myself or take any of my great advice. I wish I could. Stress literally translates into pain but I just can’t turn it off.

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