Chronic Illness · medical misadventures · Musing · Rants · Self care

Ire Me

Spoons?

Maybe.

Something is lacking. The older I get, the longer it seems to take for me to process my own life.

This past 30 days or so has been indescribably conflicted.

It’s so hard to untangle everything sometimes.

Finally got my MRI on my lower back. One of my discs is slipped and pushing on a nerve root.

But it’s just pain and won’t kill me…

That surgeon will be forever remembered. Asshat.

So many appointments this week. At least now there’s a constructive way to channel the hurts from the weeks leading up to these evaluations and follow-ups.

Watch, I’m going to get shuffled around again and offered chemical bandaids. A soma holiday I need never wake from. Just sign here.

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diy · family · Musing · parenting

Projects

They add up. New ideas all the time. I can never turn them off but sometimes they will hibernate, for a time.

Older mini me wants to be a terrifying werewolf. We are some craft fur, hot glue and scissors away from one bad ass pre teenwolf.

Younger mini me wants to be a velvetty black cat. I already have that one available thanks to older spawn having the same wish at the same age some years ago.

I’m making them clawed gloves. Super glue, knit gloves and fake nails. One set black with sparkly nails and the other brown with cracks and dirt and a bit of gore.

We are going to the pumpkin patch soon.

I acquired crocus, daffodil, iris bulbs and more plus some basic hand tools. It’s fall and time to plant the beds for spring. Grand project for the kids to help with.

Both birthdays are around the corner and they both want jellyfish.

I wish there was more time in a day. I have all these ambitions but often lack the energy.

I just want my girls to be just as capable as I am and far healthier.

Chronic Illness · Musing · Self care

Spoon Beach

It’s gorgeous. Tempted to gather my portable craft junk and go do it on the beach. Also considering staying in bed where it already is because no sand and no sunblock are pleasant.

I’m pretty sure this is one of the most entitled/privileged problems I’ve ever had. The only reason I don’t loathe myself for it is how hard I live to please others and how much pain I’m in.

I’ve realized I’ve gaslit myself into thinking that everybody hurts most of the time and that mine is not special nor should I be allowed special accomodation for it. I also attribute some of my die hard “lets do all the things” attitude to society’s perception of the disabled.

I don’t want to be seen as diminished or a drain. Surely if there is time to crochet on the beach I can make more productive use of that time doing menial tasks at home.

You could go so far as to change “disabled” to “house wife” and it would still apply.

I’ve already talked myself out of going, but only because I’d need to get gas and pack a snack and… spoons…

Musing · Rants · Self care

Insert rant here.

I think it must be human nature to want to bitch and moan.

I did.

I came here to do just that.

But truthfully, I can’t really complain…

Not to say that the degree of suffering of others invalidates my own experiences, that’s a wholly different debate.

I’ve been worse off, but my stress is at an all time high. I’m aware of and utilize stress release techniques. I blog, I have support networks, I even have a hobby.

It’s something to ponder.

Chronic Illness · Musing · Self care

Schooled

I learned the true meaning of self care today.

It’s not brushing your teeth or washing your face or treating yourself to something decadent. It’s the way you think about doing it.

Are you as dedicated to the task as you would be if you were doing it for someone else?

Or are you rushing through it to get to the next thing?

Literally, caring for your self the way you care for others you care about.

military family life · Musing

Moving Day!

Think Elsa’s Coronation day only way hotter and less Duke of Weasleton. But just as much upheaval.

But there was a gas leak? Fire trucks and police, 3 block radius perimeter and full gear, official B&E by the officials into our former home. We decided we had already overstayed our welcome anyway and fled the scene!

Skadoosh! We rolled out as they broke in. I found out later from the local milso page that it was a gas leak.

Gotta love the milso page. The one stop shop for news, rumors and gossip. Much easier to see my house pictured and surrounded by emergency personnel when it’s no longer home.

Home is an interesting concept. Most people can readily and easily define it. It’s where the heart is. It’s where you hang your hat. Hell, it’s even where you kick your boots off. 

Little harder to define home as a military family. Is home my hometown? Is home my children’s hometowns? Maybe it’s where I got married or where I launched my craft based business. Honestly, for the longest time, I thought it was where my other half was. Deployments and multiple month long training trips have taught me the errors of such sentimentalities.

Home is where the billing address says you are. Home is the zipcode the gas pump asks you for. Home is where Amazon Prime can readily locate you for sweet, sweet free shipping.

Is home really so shallow as a shipping/billing address?

Yes. Yes it is. So make the best of it. Be here, wherever it is. Right now. Don’t put it off. Don’t wait for tomorrow. Go to the museums. Play at the parks. Walk the dog. Eat at the diner, their biscuits and gravy is probably delicious but the potatoes have a 50-50 chance. 

The next duty station is around the corner. Make a friend. Make 5. One of them, if you’re lucky, will hang out with you on your last day. They’ll entertain your kids, or do some heavy lifting. The truly amazing ones bring coffee. They’ll prove you can make a true friend in this crazy gig, despite careers, busy schedules, schooling, age, branch of service and a variety of other odds and ends. Friends can be found anywhere. Keep them. Love them. Stay in touch. It’s worth it. 

So we are 2 and 1/2 hours from the new home. Stopped for the night. First PCS ever without a horrible sense of urgency for the drive. Or maybe it’s just the shortest drive. Either way we are spending 3 days to go 530 miles and it’s been downright pleasant. Storms and staggering heat indexes and humidity aside, the kids and animals have been solid, the hotels have been less than roachy and the gas is under 3 bucks a gallon. That’s a win in my book. Home is 40 hours away.

Musing

Updating via novella

It’s been awhile.

Moving, adminning on 4 pages, the business, and health stuff has sort of eaten all my time and gumption for such things. I’ve found it hard to focus my thoughts, though I’ve tried enough times. 

Even now I’m feeling a bit lost on where to start and go with this blog. Life is a giant jumble and my writing is reflective of such. I feel bad subjecting others to it. 

Health stuff. It’s not Lupus! Thank Odin. I feel like a jerk for being so happy about that as I’ve made so many friends with Lupus lately. 

Turns out the meds I was on were producing a number of symptoms. Malar rash, joint swelling, sensitivity to light, headaches, crippling fatigue, anxiety, depression, hair loss, difficulty breathing and swallowing. It was horrible. On top of which, I had severe intestinal issues, constant tinnitus, racing heartbeat, visual disturbances, muscle spasms, ulcers and a near manic insomnia. 

 A trip to the ER later we determined I have IBS, ulcers, possible celiac disease and should avoid meds for fibromyalgia due to my likelihood of developing all the adverse side effects and nsaids due to my ulcers. I already knew to avoid dairy, msg and processed meat but now I am also avoiding gluten, anything fried, non lean meat, meat in general really. Sugar stopped tasting good along the way somewhere and alcohol has really bad side effects too. Swelling, rash, joint pain etc.

So now I’m one of those teetotaling, vegan, gluten free types: ordering coconut milk quad shot lattes at my locally owned coffee house. 

I’ve lost 15 pounds and I don’t feel like I’m dying a little more each day. My fatigue is gone unless I’m in a lot of pain. When I’m in a lot of pain, I meditate, do yoga and try to think happy thoughts because that’s pretty much all I’ve got left now. 

I’ve accepted this is it. I’m okay with that, not because others have it worse or because some deity is testing my mettle, but because I am making the best of this life, even if it hurts. It’s mine and I cherish what time I have here with those I care for. 

I’m trying to have the best possible attitude about it. I’m trying to share my abilities with others and ease suffering anywhere I can. I’m trying to raise empathic, respectful little humans with healthy backbones who won’t sit down and shut up when they see the injustices our world is plagued by. 

We are moving. I’ve packed much of the house and just scheduled the final walk through. The utilities are scheduled for shut off and a basic timeline for things to be done has been organized. I feel like I’ve got an incredible handle on things, considering all the other stuff happening. 

My new year’s resolutions involved yoga and random gifts and kind gestures to a cross section of people in my life. I planned to do 6. I’ve delivered 2 so far and a third is half finished. Not bad for all the other stuff on my plate. 

I’m on an etsy like page for crafters with chronic illness. I haven’t invested enough time on it to make it worthwhile yet. I need to work on that and launch on etsy too. There’s a toy store in the new area we’re moving to called Monkey’s Uncle. I am taking it as a sign of good things to come.  

I’ve been wonderfully productive and taking great steps in the right direction but for just now my neck is a hot mess and hurts horrifically. I’ve stretched it over a rolled towel and iced it. Now I’m using my 10s unit and blogging for distraction. Hopefully I can go back to kicking butt a bit later. 

Ciao